2008 Woodie Awards
Vote Absentee
Trite activities, anonymity protect from real life letdowns
Andrew Ek
Issue date: 12/7/07 Section: Opinion
- Page 1 of 3 next >
"Rock Band" came out two weeks ago. For the low-low price of $170, you and a few friends can play some of the best songs ever in front of thousands of screaming fans. But all you're really doing is simulating the act of playing songs in front of no one. It's okay if you fail. The "boos" aren't real, and with enough practice, you're pretty much guaranteed success; well worth $170.
Of course, if that doesn't float your boat, you could always play World of Warcraft - a massively multiplayer online world much more colorful than the real one. You don't ever have to worry about dying; that's what resurrection stones are for! You can roam in groups without ever leaving your living room, and if you wipe, you can just yell at your teammates.
It's okay. You're protected by the anonymity of the Internet, so you'll never have to see their faces when you tell them how horrible they are. I've got a level 70 Minotaur Warlock. He's much cooler than I am.
The anonymity also protects you at sporting events. You can flip off the refs, insult the players and scream for the coaches to be fired without anyone ever knowing it was you - consequence-free jackassery! If your team wins, you can celebrate and high five and hug everyone around you and say "We did it! We won!" If you lose, there's always next year (sound familiar?), and nothing fills up water-cooler conversation like mutual hatred of the rival team.
Besides, athletes make too much money to have feelings.
Celebrities also have too much money, but I have my favorites regardless. I can read their bios in "People" and learn everything about them. And I can get angry whenever they say something that conflicts with my beliefs. The best part is that no matter what I say, they'll never know. In fact, they can't hurt me a single bit. And I never have to schedule time for a coffee date. It's all the perks of friendship without ever being let down.
I also have friends on Facebook - 398 right now. I make sure to leave witty messages on their walls (it's like having a conversation!) and to browse their photo albums (it's like being there!). I can get to know people without ever really talking to them. It's glorious.
Of course, if that doesn't float your boat, you could always play World of Warcraft - a massively multiplayer online world much more colorful than the real one. You don't ever have to worry about dying; that's what resurrection stones are for! You can roam in groups without ever leaving your living room, and if you wipe, you can just yell at your teammates.
It's okay. You're protected by the anonymity of the Internet, so you'll never have to see their faces when you tell them how horrible they are. I've got a level 70 Minotaur Warlock. He's much cooler than I am.
The anonymity also protects you at sporting events. You can flip off the refs, insult the players and scream for the coaches to be fired without anyone ever knowing it was you - consequence-free jackassery! If your team wins, you can celebrate and high five and hug everyone around you and say "We did it! We won!" If you lose, there's always next year (sound familiar?), and nothing fills up water-cooler conversation like mutual hatred of the rival team.
Besides, athletes make too much money to have feelings.
Celebrities also have too much money, but I have my favorites regardless. I can read their bios in "People" and learn everything about them. And I can get angry whenever they say something that conflicts with my beliefs. The best part is that no matter what I say, they'll never know. In fact, they can't hurt me a single bit. And I never have to schedule time for a coffee date. It's all the perks of friendship without ever being let down.
I also have friends on Facebook - 398 right now. I make sure to leave witty messages on their walls (it's like having a conversation!) and to browse their photo albums (it's like being there!). I can get to know people without ever really talking to them. It's glorious.
Be the first to comment on this story