I sat across the table from my friend in our salmon-pink booth. It was nearly 8 p.m., and the Chinese restaurant was empty. I stirred the rice and meat on my plate around with my fork. Jane (name changed) cradled her 5-month-old baby in the crook of her arm. The child’s brown, inquisitive eyes drooped slightly as she sucked on her bottle.
The last time I saw Jane, her tummy was round. Now she had a child in her arms. The baby keeps her occupied, but Jane said she felt like she’d gotten the hang of parenting. It sounded like things were going pretty well. Then she told me about the father and a new relationship she’s in.
Jane recently left her baby’s father. She tried living with him, but they fought constantly and couldn’t come to any agreements. Now they are separated and still argue almost every other day.
I remember a couple summers ago when Jane first told me about the guy who would become her baby’s father. I could see the warning signs then: his sense of control on her, the countless arguments they had. She tried to break up with him once, but they ended up getting back together. She thought she loved him. He got her pregnant and continued to argue with her. She moved in with him, hoping things would work out.
As we sat together in the restaurant, Jane described their most recent outburst. He had been angry with her about something and started to yell. She began to cry. He was enraged and told her to get out. She went to grab her daughter, and he kept pushing her as she climbed the stairs. He continued to shove her even when she had the baby in her arms.
My eyes widened as I tried to envision the scene. Jane said this wasn’t typical behavior for him. She was able to leave him and now lives with a friend, but her situation is not much better.
Jane told me about another guy she started dating after she left her baby’s father. He is a few years older than her and tries to control every aspect of her life. She said he tells her who she can and can’t hang out with. He pays for her cell phone and threatens to disable it if she doesn’t delete her Facebook account.
During our conversation Jane received a phone call from her boyfriend. He immediately demanded to know where she was and who she was with. She told him she was having dinner with a friend, and I could hear his voice rise in suspicion. She held the phone up to me so I could say hello and confirm that she was with a female. This guy was way too controlling. Jane needed to get out of this relationship.
I didn’t understand why she couldn’t just leave him like she did the last guy. She’s aware that his controlling behavior is not good for her, but leaving him could also be dangerous.
“It’s more complicated than that,” she said.
Jane made it sound like her boyfriend had made other threats against her, saying he would get back at her if she left him. These threats sounded more dangerous than turning off her phone.
She tried to explain that if her phone was shut off she feared she would be in trouble if something happened to her child and she had no way of calling someone. Her daughter is the most important thing to her. If being with her boyfriend despite his awful behavior toward her would help her look out for her baby, then she would make sure to meet his demands.
Maybe she doesn’t realize it, but staying with him will inevitably be worse for her daughter than leaving him. If he can get away with treating Jane the way he does, what’s to stop him from treating her child in a similar manner?
Unfortunately, Jane is one of millions of women abused annually.
According to the American Institute on Domestic Violence, 5.3 million women are abused each year. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates 1.3 million of those women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner.
Stoprelationshipabuse.org describes relationship abuse as “a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control” over an intimate partner and says “an abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you.”
The Web site says abuse can be emotional or financial and include threats, isolation and intimidation. The site goes on to say that abuse often escalates over time and “is always part of a larger pattern to try and control [a partner].”
This description of abuse adequately describes the way Jane’s boyfriend is trying to control her, which is why I’m afraid it will only get worse.
Jane knows her relationship with her boyfriend is not one of love but of fear. She said she’s tried to leave, but she has a hard time making a breakup last. She doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, but he’s hurting her immeasurably more than she could hurt him by leaving.
Jane told me that if I ever saw warning signs in my own relationship someday that I should get out as soon as I can. The longer you stay with someone who is mistreating you, the harder it becomes to leave.
Stoprelationshipabuse.org lists some questions to ask yourself of potential abuse in your relationship: Do you feel nervous around your partner? Does your partner criticize you or humiliate you in front of other people? Has your partner ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior? Are you expected to do things to please your partner rather than to please yourself?
These are only a few of the warning signs. There are many other ways abuse can exist without a person being aware of it.
If you recognize any of the above mentioned warning signs in your relationship, please seek help right away. You do not deserve to be abused. Call the police or a local domestic violence center. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE.
If you notice that your friend is in an abusive relationship, seek ways to help your friend. Stoprelationshipabuse.org lists a number of ways you can help. Several of them include knowing the facts about relationship abuse, listening to your friend’s feelings, not judging or giving advice, and letting your friend know you are concerned and want to help.
I searched for Jane in my Facebook friends today. Her profile did not come up.
I hope she knows this isn’t her fault. I hope she can get help and safely leave the relationship before it gets worse. She doesn’t deserve this. What she does deserve is a good friend who cares and is going to help her. I hope I can be that friend.
Bethany Trueblood is a Junior News-Editorial Major. Reach her at bethanytrueblood@dailynebraskan.com.
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